I’ve been thinking of my past lately. In my classes, I am challenged daily to dig deep into my soul and find out the aspects of my past who make me who I am today. I’ve been wanting to write this all day, but have been fearful of doing so. My life is so full and I can’t help but see how my past heartbreaks and pains are coming together to form who I am becoming as an artist. I feel like I am putting so much on the line, but as an artist I strive to empower others and live a life of transparency. I hope this blog post touches you.
This is an open letter.
To the man I desired to be able to depend on for everything. You taught me to question my self worth. You taught me to question my place in the world. You taught me to question my intelligence. But, no more do you have that power.
To the man (then a boy) who would call me “Miss Piggy” and make pig noises whenever you would pass me, you taught me to hate my body. You taught me that looks meant everything. You taught me to be insecure about my looks. But, no more do you have that power.
To the man who took advantage of my purity and my body, you have taught me to be fearful. You have taught me to fear my beauty and be insecure. You have taught me to look at life in fear of being used. You taught me not to trust men. You stripped me of my innocence. You broke my physically. But, no more do you have that power.
To the men and women who tore me apart after my pre-liminary win at Miss CA on the message boards, you taught me that I was not good enough. You taught me that no matter how much I strived for excellence, I was not enough. You taught me to be self cautious. But, no more do you have that power.
To the man who sat across the table from my mother and asked her upon the first time meeting her, “Has your daughter been broken?” At the time, I could not understand why this question would have been asked. But, as most of you know, I have been broken up to the point where I almost lost my life. You taught me to fear my emotions. You taught me to question my Lord and Savior. You created an insecurity in me which has taken years to overcome. Your empty words filled my heart with sadness. You broke me spiritually. But, no more do you have that power.
To the man who pretended to love me and took advantage of my loyalty, you have taught me to question truth. You weaseled your way into my already damaged heart and deepened the wound. You took away whatever hope I had left. You crushed me. But, no more do you have that power.
To the disease that tried so hard to kill me. You taught me to have faith. You taught me to love my body. You taught me that I am good enough. You taught me that it is necessary to be broken to serve others. You taught me how valuable my life is. You gave me a place in this world. You taught me that I was beautiful at my lowest point. You restored my hope. You healed my completely, physically, mentally, and spiritually. You made my heart full. You taught me the power of prayer and the power and depth of God’s love and grace.
To the man who I am able to trust with my life. You taught me that I am beautiful. You taught me how to love again. You taught me to trust men. I am so grateful that I get to experience you as a person with a full heart. I get to love you with no setbacks. I get to love you with no questions. I get to love you without fear. You make me feel free. You make me feel secure. Your words fill me with joy. You taught me that I am enough.
I am honored to be able to share my experiences of life with others all through the power of music. It’s quite magical. When I sing, know I am sharing from the depths of my heart.